Funny books sure have gotten expensive!

Howdy pardners, it looks like ole Tim is in trouble. Remember I told y'all 'bout burning them funnybooks I found in the garage for warmth? Well they didn't belong to Ken Jr. No siree Bob, they belonged to Ken Sr. He saved them from his childhood and having at it that I'm a half buck shy of him that would put them at oh about 45 to 50 years old. Now, I aint no dummy (jurry's still out on that one, yuk, yuk!), I paid my dues at the antique store manning the register so I know these got value. So I ask the ole' bro-in-law, say Kenny, what're them old comic books worth ya got there out in the garage? He sez, well they're in rough shape but will still fetch about 10 G's, there're gonna pay for my retirement. Ya see, the guy's a cripple an he don't work, big sis pulls down some serious doe but with today's market who knows how they'll fare in another 15 years easpecialy now that there nest egg's gone up in smoke. It's gonna break my heart to tell the old man that I saw a couple of Ken Jr's shifty friends cart the box off the other night.



10 thousand dollars for a few minutes of heat, a fare trade?

The voice of the Home Depot gives me the willies.

Well, howdy doody folks. Ole Tiny Tim checking in. Well, me and the nephew, Ken Jr. went to the Home Depot today to get some insulation and drywall and supplies. We got frost on the pumpkin so you know I'm freezing at night, even with the electric blanket I say. So this here weekend we'll be finishing off my room. Went down the Salvation Army Store and picked up a hotplate and coffee pot to go with my microwave range oven. So anyways, Ken Jr. wants to go to the Home Depot. I tell you that place scares me, sure it's big, but it's that voice on the commercial that scares me. So I asks ole Ken the Junior, who's that guy talking on the commercial and he tells me it's Ed Harris. He's a pretty scary guy. I was scared with that submarine movie, but that was more the water snake than ole Ed, but he's still scary. Now when you fill your body up with dangerous and illegal chemicals for 40 and change years, plus drink pretty heavily you get what them Navy Head Shrinkers like to call psychosis. That can make you think some pretty creepy stuff, like Ed Harris is following you around Home Depot with a ten pound hammer trying to crack your skull open. Luckily you can carry around a fence post digger for protection. Ken Jr. yelled a lot and we didn't get the stuff we went for, he went home and told his Mom that Uncle Tim is a "wanger nut job" whatever that means. So I'm wraped up in the electric blanket freezing my knickers off, burning some of Ken Jr's old Spiderman comic books on the hotplate to keep warm. We should of went to Lowe's, they got Gene Hackman doing there voice and he's a kindly old man, like a high school history teacher, 'cept in that cowboy movie, he was pretty scary in that. Gottta go, I gotta pull all these X man comics out of the plastic bags so I can burn them to keep warm.
Your bunk house budy,
Tim
Stay out of Home Depot Kisper you rascal!

Howdy pardners

Hoo-boy I'm more beat than a dead dog. Muscles I didn't even know I had are sore. In other words, man I'm gosh darned tired. Just sittin' here over the garage sipping some diet Dr. Pepper and munching on some Hot Pockets (brand names, I gotta capitalize them kids. Registed trademarks, ya know). Ken Jr. my nephew owns a carpet installin' buisness an he got a big contract to replace all the carpet at this motel (he says I can't say the name). Well it's a big job, he's a strong young buck at 25 but he needs a little help. He got 2 guys that work or him every so often but it's still a BIG job. His dad Ken Sr. (the ole bro-in-law) is a cripple in a wheelchair so he can't help. So when the chips are down who do they call to the plate, your pal Tim. Been laying carpet all week, 14 hours a day. Ole boy Tim's a laying rug and he's purdy good at it too, only screwed up like 300 square feet, not much. Got some money in my pocket, but they say I can't spend her on no booze. Ah heck! What should I buy? I got me 200 smackeroos. My little apartment's comming along, I installed the electric baseboards and wired them up. When our backs stop a aching me and Ken Jr. gonna put up some insulation and hang some drywall. It's gettin' pretty nippy at night now with them cool breezes comin in off the lake. We're in for a cold winter, yes siree Pop.
I'll hook up witcha down the trail,
Tim

The happiest time in my life.

Howdy pardners, Childhood is typically not a good memory for myself. I hardly knew my dad and I inherited my drinking from my mom who was as they would now say an abusive parent. If not for Peggy, my big sis' and Uncle Sam's Navy I don't think I'd be around today. There was one happy time back then and a birthday gift I recently got from Peggy and Ken and the kids brought this cloudy memory back. They gave ole Tim a video disk set of the television series Wanted Dead Or Alive starring Steve McQueen as old west bounty hunter, Josh Randall. Easilly my favorite television program of all time.
Look at him with his cool pistolized Winchester rifle. I'm not much of a TV watcher these days and a down own a video disk player, but the thought was nice. Anyhow, when I was but a wee boy for some reason I had to stay with my Grandmother for awhile, this was before I was in school. I think it was summer as I don't recolect it being cold and I know it was very far away but don't know exactly where. It could of been local or out of state to tell you the truth I don't even remember my Grandma's name. But that's not surprising with all the chemicals I injested over the years. While I was there I remember watching a lot of TV, it was black and white and it was pretty much westerns. I had said before I don't like western movies too much but these old TV shows were dfferent and pretty fun and my favorite was Wanted Dead Or Alive. It wasn't first run I know but in re runs. I also fondly remember grilled cheese sandwiches and a scary looking blue and white glass owl that I smashed on the sidewalk. After awhile my Grandma died and I was sent back to my mom. I asked my big sis' Peggy about this and she says we didn't have a Grandma and it was probably a foster mother because when I was 4 and she was 8 our mom was really drunk and threw Peggy down the stairs and broke her collar bone. Mom was locked in a mental hospital for a year and Peggy lived with her girl friend from school's family. She doesn't know where I was for that year. I don't know who that old lady was, but to me she will always be my Grandma and I'm sorry for breaking your owl statue but it scared the bejesus out of me.

Friends again

So this feller Mike shoots me an electronic mail and tells me to give John Sloss another chance. So the hathet is burried. John, let's talk, I guess you're not poop aftr all.

The Guitar Man by Bread

This here's the real stuff, folks. From the man himself, Mr. David Gates.

Get in line gals...

Ole Tim wants to be your guitar man.

I want me a sexy lady.

I want to meet a sexy lady, who will love me and my homespun sense of humor. We will marry with an outdoor wedding with friends, family and at least one celebrity guest in attendance. Our children will be tall and blond and we will teach them to sing and dance and make merry. We will perform as a family at country fairs and the crowds will cheer and appauld. When I'm old and sick on my deathbed my great brood will gather around me and I will tell each that I love them and kiss them farewell. When I die I will be buried on a hilltop overlooking a river valley and sparrows will sing to me. My wife will die some time after and if she hasn't re-married she will be laid at my side. Our children and grandchildren will lay flowers on our graves but will stop after a few years too busy with their own lives and over time the wind and rain shall erase our names from our tombstone. A Boyscout trying to earn his Eagle badge will clean up the grave yard and consulting old cemetery charts will mark our grave as that of Bernie and Paula Berkowitz, who are actually buried two plots over. Our great grandchild whom we had never met will try to find our graves to no avail before the bulldozers plow over the ancient graveyard for a new residential development. A young Indian couple will buy a house there and the wife will plant roses in the yard but only two will ever bloom, me and the young and lovely blond goddess who is my wife. Next store an Italian man will plant tomatoes but only two would turn red, they would be Bernie and Paula. Bernie would be sour and give the man really bad heartburn which will kill him and he will be buried in a new graveyard nearby and so the future moves on.